Hopeful, but hoping I won't be let down

Disappointment has been a recurrent theme in my life the last few years: house possibilities, job possibilities, parenting possibilities, etc. One of the drawbacks of dreaming big is that you have a long way to fall when your dreams shatter.

I am still looking for a new job to replace my current job, which ends tomorrow thankfully. I have a few possibilities that look like they might work out, but nothing I'm excited about. I need a flexible schedule, and I would like work that is interesting to me and suited to my abilities and personality. I would really prefer part-time so I can have more time to help Mike with ministry.

I found a job posting today for a part-time job with flexible hours as an administrative assistant for a psychology office. The pay is crummy, but I don't really care about that. It is in exactly the field I want to study! The situation sounds ideal.

My resume will be on its way as soon as I get home tonight, and prayers are already there (no delay with God's postal service).

More important than praying for the job, I need to pray that I will be able to accept God's plan in this regard.

Who is out there?

I know that very few people ever read this blog, but I have a few hits on my new stat counter, and I'd like to know who's reading. Please leave a comment and let me know you're here!

Remind me why I wanted to go to lunch

Several of my co-workers have a tradition of going out for lunch together on Fridays. I used to go with them almost all the time, but the last few months I haven't. Since today is my last Friday here, I thought I'd join them one last time.

My co-workers know that we have been trying to have kids forever, so having a pg baby sister is kind of a painful thing, especially when we can't even proceed with adoption right now. So at lunch, I mentioned that my sister only has 5 weeks left to go in her pregnancy. What was I thinking? Here's the bulk of the remaining conversation:

J: You know what?! For some reason I keep having NIGHTMARES that I'm pregnant. I don't know why it keeps coming up, but I keep having NIGHTMARES that I'm pregnant.

R: Maybe your body's trying to tell you something.

J: No, seriously. There is no way that I'm pregnant, but I keep having these NIGHTMARES!

Me - thinking: I have nightmares that I'm pregnant, too. Only the nightmare starts when I wake up and realize it's not true BECAUSE I CAN'T GET PREGNANT.

K: Maybe we should tell Boss so he could ask you every day how you're feeling.

R: Yeah, he'd believe it too because remember when we told him that I was pregnant? He thought we were for real.

J: Yeah, what was up with that? Was he afraid you were going to leave or something?

R: I don't know what his problem was. I've already had one pregnancy while working here. No, actually, I had two, only one of them was a miscarriage.

J: You were pregnant twice while working here?

R: Yeah, but I had a miscarriage the one time. God must have really wanted me to have Son 2. He said, "This one is an angel, so I'll take him straight to heaven to be with Me. Here, give her the next one. He'll cause a lot of headaches. A trouble child."

S: You don't have to have a miscarriage to end up with that.

Me - thinking: You know, someone sent a postcard to PostSecret that said, "I get angry at every mother who doesn't love her children as much as I would love mine if I could have them."

Later...

J: Oh, I almost forgot to tell you all something!

R: What? You're PREGNANT!

J: Oh, THANK GOODNESS NO...

I was really happy to get back to the office so I didn't have to endure any more. I'm hoping and praying that my next co-workers will be a little more sensitive.

Too many things in my head

If you look through my previous posts, you'll see that's a common theme ;) I think it reveals that I'm not very good at completion or resolution. That's a big issue for me.

Anyway, I only have one week left at my job. Woo hoo! Except that I still don't have another job :( I hate looking for jobs. I don't really want to work outside the home and ministry, so that makes everything else 1000 times more difficult. I don't have the education or experience to do the jobs I would like to do. Everything else is just ok. I think a fresh start will be helpful to me and the challenge of learning something new will keep me on my toes for awhile. But overcoming the "I don't wanna" attitude is difficult.

People ask me why I'm leaving, especially without having another job lined up, and they don't understand how big of a stumbling block it is for me. There is so much more involved - dealing with an uncertain future, figuring out how to balance a job and ministry, not doing well in learning the lesson of contentment, some depression, and a whole host of other factors. I was losing my mind in my current position, and for my own health and sanity, I needed to leave. That's it.

I'm trying to figure out a way to continue my education through an online program. I want to earn a bachelors of science degree, in either social work or psychology. I honestly would prefer psychology, even though I want more of a social work oriented career, because I believe it will build a stronger foundation for the work I would like to do. My specific area of interest is in child development in foster care and adoption situations. My ideal goal is to major in psychology for undergrad and get an MSW, but I'm not sure I would be accepted to an MSW program with a degree in psychology. I'll have to do some more research on that. Eventually becoming a LISW and LPC or PPC would be awesome, but I'm not sure how much time I'll have in the future to pursue education and a career. Both of those are still secondary to family and ministry, but they are very important to me.

To be able to work around job requirements and ministry, I need a totally online program. I've found some psychology programs, but no social work programs yet. And the psychology programs are few and far between.

So back to the job search issue: what I'm qualified for is office work as an administrative assistant, bookkeeper, legal secretary or something of the sort. My work schedule has to be flexible enough to allow me to go on a 1-week mission trip, attend family camp, and have some more time to see my family in IL, and those are minimum requirements. I really don't care what the pay is (within reason), and I don't really care about fringe benefits. I can do a detail oriented, facts and figures sort of job as long as I have a great deal of human interaction. Jobs that fill the bill and won't expect me to make a bazillion year commitment are few and far between.

I need to trust God to provide in this regard because I know that leaving my current job is the right thing to do at this time.

Freewriting

Too many things are going through my head to concentrate on work, so I'm gonna try to put a few of them down to see what happens.

School. I really would like to go back to school. Not because I want to attend classes and study for exams and everything but so I don't feel so STUCK job-wise since I'm stuck working. And because I have a huge desire to make a difference in child welfare / adoption / foster care. Kinda hard to do that without a LSW, let alone without a bachelor's degree. Therefore, I'd like to finish my degree. Traditional school is not possible at the time, and it might not ever be. Online programs for sociology, behavioral science, or psychology are pretty hard to find. There's lots to consider: time and money are the big ones. But if I can find a way to make it work, I think I'm gonna do it. Now to get the support I need to make it happen...

Birthday. Today Mike is 29. I can't believe we're that close to 30 and still childless. So not what I had dreamed of for my future. Years ago, we said we were going to pursue adoption when we were 30. I had no idea it would actually take practically that long before we would be able to start. Holidays and birthdays are tough times to be IF. Another year gone by with no children. Lots of family gatherings for people to ask when we're gonna get started on that. Lots of explanations required about how adoption really works and the medical basis for IF. Lots of opportunities to see younger family members growing their families with no problems at all. Mike will be a good dad. I wish I could give that to him now.

Christmas. I'm tired of it already! I'm tired of the commercialization. I'm tired of the materialism. I'm tired of the expectations people place on others. I'm tired of the shallowness of people claiming that it's about Christ and then not reflecting who Christ was and what He did in their actions. Despite what I already mentioned about family gatherings, I do enjoy the opportunity to get together with my family.

Family. Speaking of family, on Friday my entire immediate family will be together. Andrew, Gina, Ben, Jade, Zach, DeLyn, Mom, Dad, Mike, and me (and Lucy, too!). It will be chaotic and crazy, but it will be good to spend time with them. I'm sure there will be a lot of awkward moments since Jade is nearing her due date. And some of us do not see eye to eye on much, so there could be some interesting discussions ;) But they're my family, and I love them all. I wouldn't trade any of them for anyone else.

Freewriting

My head really hurts today, so I might not make much sense. I get to stay up all night tonight with a dozen teens. If it doesn't get better quickly, I'm going to be MISERABLE.

I've been reading lots and lots of editorial/opinion stuff on the 'net, and it's inspired lots of thought. One thing I've been thinking of, and Mike and I have been discussing, is the idea of tolerance. It really seems to me that there is no middle ground. People believe something and are adamantly judgmental about everyone who believes differently, or people say they believe something and if you want to believe it, that's fine, and if not, that's fine, too, because it really makes no difference what you believe in the end. Sometimes this is apparent in big issues, like religion and morality, and somethings it is on small issues, like housekeeping.

I read something earlier this week where a lady had written something to the effect of, "Housework is so much fun! If you do not enjoy housework, you have no imagination/appreciation/discipline/whatever." I'm still puzzled by that. First of all, how on earth did she come up with her thesis? So ok, she might enjoy housework, but to say everyone should enjoy housework? And how unfair is it to set women up for disappointment like that? If I don't like scrubbing toilets, I'm not grateful? If I don't enjoy mopping floors, I'm not a real woman? If I don't appreciate getting up at the crack of dawn to cook breakfast from scratch, I'm not a good wife? Perhaps this struck a chord with me because I am a terrible housekeeper. I hate cleaning, and I don't really like most cooking. And it shows in my work. But I know I'm not alone in this, and I don't think it's fair to set people up with these grand expectations.

On a blog I visited for the first time today, a woman had a quiz to determine if you were organized or not. I kid you not, you were determined to be disorganized if you had liberal ideals. I am FAR from liberal, but I'm not very organized. I fail to see the connection, and I think her quiz was riddled with prejudice.

I read something else last week about humility when debating an issue with someone. This is something that is also pretty personal with me. I like to be right. I hate to be wrong. My husband is pretty much the same way. The post on humility was in regard to disagreements regarding doctrinal and theological differences. I don't think I do a very good job at it, but I would like to extend my fellow humans with enough grace to not violently bristle at the mention of something I disagree with. I want them to give me the chance to calmly explain and defend my position, so I should do the same for them. This will be especially important for me to remember as I prepare to spend time at holiday gatherings with my father-in-law this weekend;)

Believe what you believe. Have reasons for what you believe. Defend what you believe. But be nice when the subject comes up. And if it's not an issue that's central to your relationship with the other person or an issue that determines one's eternal destination, don't offend someone for the sake of being right.

Freewriting

Christmas is in 4 days. We are caroling at a nursing home tonight. A youth lock-in is tomorrow night. Women's ministry plans for next year aren't done. Mike's birthday is in one week. Bills need paid. The bathrooms need cleaned. Boxes are waiting to be unpacked. Tax season starts soon, and I'm at work. So what am I doing with my time? Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Unless, of course, you count reading blogs, checking HP, and looking up info on adoption agencies online. Pathetic, no?

That's a pretty adequate way to describe how I feel about everything right now. Pathetic and apathetic.

Peace Be Still update

I survived teaching the workshop on peace. (Thanks to Karen who's "letting go" story fit right in with my lesson.) I had a lot of comments about it afterward, and I made a few people cry. I always wonder what the real effect was on people when I teach. I know that sharing my experience can have an effect on people - it's a pretty traumatic story. But did I teach them anything? Did they learn that God is faithful in everything, even when it doesn't seem like it?

And then I wonder about my delivery of my message. I hate going to ladies' retreats and programs and just hearing people tell a bunch of funny or sad stories. I don't want to hear a bunch of stories. I want to learn more about God's word and His will for our lives. I want to be encouraged to be faithful and inspired to step outside my comfort zone to find new ways to serve. I like to hear a lot of Scriptures, but it needs to be balanced with practical application. I'm afraid I didn't use a lot of Scriptures when I was speaking, but I did have a lot of Scriptures on the outlines I handed out. Is that enough?

And then I wonder about people's overall impression of me. Having an extraordinary experience and surviving it seems to make people appear to be extraordinary. I'm really not. The truth is that many days I barely get by, and I know that I only get by with the grace of God. But do people see God's grace and mercy and strength in me, or do they see someone who thinks she can get by on her own?

I know that it doesn't do me any good to dwell on these questions. I can be confident in the fact that I spent a lot of time preparing my lesson and that I prayed about it. I did what I could, and I can't undo or redo any of Saturday. But as I was discussing last night with a missionary from Ghana, I'm a control freak and a perfectionist. As we were discussing our plans to adopt in the future, she said, "you'll need to let go of that when you have kids."

I know. I know.